Santa is coming to town…for 34 microseconds.

A study conducted by Swedish consultancy group, Sweco, has concluded how it is in fact possible that Santa can complete his mission this Christmas. With just a few things to take into consideration of course…

Santa takes off.
Up up and awaaaaayyy!

The first factor is location; taking into account things like geographic density and the fewest detours that might hinder Santa’s magical journey. But being that Kris Kringle’s route around the planet includes stops at 2.5 billion homes (provided everyone is a good boy or girl) he would have to deliver gifts to approximately 120 people per square mile with 66 feet between each home.

Soooo…in order to achieve this herculean feat of generosity, Santa would not reside at the North Pole as previously believed, but rather, more efficiently, in Kyrgyzstan, as starting in any other location with these demands would make the trek physically impossible. Return all mail to sender. Santa is a Turk.

This is a Turkish man.
Told you so.

The other major factor playing into this awesome odyssey would be of course, time. Jolly ol’ Saint Nick would have 48 hours to complete his journey around the world if he travels against the Earth’s magnetic rotation before the whole shebang is over and Christmas once again becomes Boxing Day.

Also, keep in mind that this guy has to slide down the chimney, drop off the presents, nibble on his cookies, suck back his milk, and hop back on his sleigh at each and every house, provided they have a chimney. Or a front door. Or somewhat of a structure in third world countries not invaded by global superpowers.

Bombs away!
Happy holidays–from our country to yours!

But that being said, Sweco concluded that Santa has approximately 34 microseconds at each stop to do it all while his reindeer must travel at a speed of 3,604 miles per second to make the trip on time.

Santa & Elves

But my favorite piece of information comes from another report on the internet that suggested that Santa’s sleigh, weighed down with presents and traveling at supersonic speeds, would encounter such massive air resistance that the entire contraption would burst into flames and be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Wow; imagine telling that bit of data to some kid.

Santa’s secret.

Virginia there is a Santa Claus, he just exists in another dimension. I knew he had a trick up his red sleeves!

Santa wink
“Damn right. And it’s called LSD baby. Zoom zoom ZOOM!”


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