The Final Solution

Ever since the existence of the peasant there has existed a creature far less than he. This fowl thing has spent countless hours begging. Whether it be for a token, change, or a Newport. This animal resembling a man in order to persuade you so that you take pity wonders the streets at night and the sewers by day. They will tell you any story so they can provide their bodies with the proper fuel it needs, crack. The Iraq War was lost because of these monsters. This is why I now ask of you ladies and gentlemen, accept my proposal and finally rid these vultures from our streets and city corners and relinquish them to the depths of Newark Delaware. Here is where they shall remain to wallow in self-pity.


All bums have a magical power that enables them to take a token, some change, or a Newport and convert either one into some precious crack. Each possesses an ability. Some might be able to develop stronger more advanced drugs, others have the force and can manipulate a tourist’s mind to pay the fee, or they might be able to change their identities so that villagers are not able to tell if they gave them money or not. Either way the only solution is to construct a two-hundred foot catapult looking something like this:


Then position a bowl of some sort on the arm of the catapult. It is at this very spot where civilians will leave a tax paying fee of one token, one cigarette (preferably newport), or some change (All people have atleast one of the three). Once all three items have been placed in the bowl all cops must leave the scene for they might scare bums away. Then the trebuchet must be locked in place and positioned towards the east coast at a latitude position south of New York and North of Delaware. Here is where the bum should begin to collect the tokens and enter the bowl it is at this pivotal point, like mice and a mouse trap, if you fail you loose a piece of cheese, that trainned professionals spend tax payer’s money right and launch the bum at the right time so they might land at their proper destination. One second too late can translate into a fatal mishap for all classes.

All economic classes must rid the bum of his daily exercises. The reason for this will be explained in the next following sentences. The lower-class must rid the bum of existence because without him they serve a purpose as societies’ scum and labor staff. However with him, they are nothing, they are invisible, they have only poor paying jobs, and they can’t complain about welfare or societal aid because the bum is always there as the image in which the poor can be stereotyped. The middle-class must rid the bum of existence because his presence outside the restaurants, outside the hotels, at the vacation resorts, and at the family’s favorite park lurks the homeless taking away the middle-class escape from the 9-5 every day of the week job, the business from the family owned store, and the naive image of the young mind that all men and women have an equal opportunity. The upper-class must rid the bum of existence because the bum doesn’t buy their goods, pay their taxes, or clean their streets. However the bum won’t be afraid to take, take, take, from the upper-class which must invest every cent leaving very little to spare. How else will money trickle down into the hands of those less fortunate? Certainly not the government! That must be Communism and that is the workings of neither Jesus or Moses but he who is of evil, the fallen who tempts man with fruit to bare.

This has to be! Man must progress! With such creatures in our presence we are left to breed with them leading to lesser men. With such creatures in our presence we are forced to talk, learn, or argue with these inept beasts. With such creatures we are left with no solution other than the final solution. The Bum Catapult.


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